Stress Relief

I'm not sure if there's a genetic component to anxiety, but my mother suffered from an extreme case of it, manifesting itself in OCD behavior and agoraphobia (fear of the marketplace). I get bouts of it, and although not as bad as my mother's, it's enough to make me worry that I'll morph into a housebound recluse. Yesterday, my hubs got back from Boston with the news that several people in his office had been let go. As in fired. Because my husband pretty much does whatever is needed by management (the partners), he's fairly secure in his position. He travels at the drop of a hat, and I don't give him any grief about it because that's the job.

Still, it gives us both pause for concern. He wants to move to Dallas. His company now has an office there, and is trying desperately to close this one in Bethel, Connecticut. There is talk of moving the remaining staff down to Fairfield (where the remaining senior partner lives), which still seems expensive, and a much longer commute for my hubs. The other senior partners have mostly moved to Wyoming, I'm assuming for tax purposes, since there's an office in Denver, but no one wants to live in Denver.

My hubs is too tired to work out (having just returned from Dallas and immediately drove up to Boston and back in a day), and just has a few beers with dinner before heading to bed. I can't sleep. Not only am I now addicted to this new iPad game Word Connect, but I'm so stressed that I can't seem to inhale properly if I'm sitting. Probably something to do with organs getting all compressed. I'm much happier if I can stand, or sit bolt upright. When I get up in the morning, I'm still so anxious I can literally feel myself "jumping out of my skin." It's not a good feeling. I can only imagine that it's this feeling that makes people do stupid, desperate things. Like drugs. Or murder-suicides. A lot of people seem to be jumping off bridges and in front of oncoming trains lately. I'm sad, but not that shocked.

My cortisol levels have to be at an unhealthy level. I'm so stressed I almost skip the gym today, rationalizing that there's too many other things to do. I have no energy and don't actually want to leave the house. I'm in a fog as well, and can't seem to clear my head, even with a cup of strong coffee. Plus I've had mild vertigo for the past month or so... probably tree spoo (a term my son thinks is hilarious) and air pressure issues.

I force myself to pack my gear and drive to the gym. There are too many old people driving. Or rather, not driving, but hesitating at intersections. They're going to get someone killed. They sit waiting for cars that are almost a quarter mile away to drive past. I honk my horn at the car in front of me because it's just sitting there. A woman strolls across the two-lane road. Clearly, there's time to make a left hand turn onto the main thoroughfare. The car moves like it's sleepwalking. Ugh.

It's late but the gym is virtually empty. I like it. I spend 30 minutes on the cross-trainer, and an additional 5 for the cool down. My right foot still goes numb. My right elbow aches even before I reach the Stretch Cage, so 26 reps is my limit for HGPUs. Can I count push ups as core work? As well as knee-ins, crunches and planks? I'm starting to feel better. More focused. I get on the elliptical and punch in Program #2. It's the one I dislike the most. And then there's the 5 minute cool down. I make over 7 total miles and that makes me happy. But it's really late, so I just do a set of pull ups, and then off to shower. The overwhelming sense of dread and fear is gone. Whew!

The gym scale surprises me with 109.4 lbs. My hair is so wet that sweat is dripping off the tip of my braid. But I only drank half my water bottle. Still, it's been a long time since I've seen the scale dip below 110 lbs. When I get home, I scan my wall calendar where I jot down my weight each time I remember. My weight's been in flux for months now. The one thing about using a meal app is that it makes you exceptionally aware of all the calories you're eating. I still can't figure out how to eat more protein and less carbs though without completely blowing my calorie limit. Maybe it's not that important? Maybe what I really need to do is be mindful of all the junk I used to eat. Maybe it's just keeping my calories down. For now. Because other than adding the 5 minute cool down, I haven't really changed anything. MyFitnessPal tells me that I'll be down to 107.5 lbs by September. I'm actually hoping sooner. And hoping that it'll stick.

Wednesday
7.17 miles

30 min x-trainer + 5cd
Calories 162
Miles 4.22
Average Heart Rate 148

HGPU 26
Knee-Ins 50
Push Ups 50
Crunches 3 x 50
Bird Dogs 2 x 60s
Side Planks 2 x 60s
Push Ups 50

30 min elliptical + 5cd
Program 2
Calories 333
Miles 2.96
Average Heart Rate 145

 HGPU 26