Fear of Failure

We are creatures of habit, rudimentarily shaped by Nature's Fight or Flight response. Sometimes our heads get the better of us, sowing seeds of doubt which sprouts a different type of fear. It's not the imminent fear of danger but the fear of failure, and if we behave as if it didn't matter, well then, we've saved our pride if nothing else. It's even easier not to try (that hard) than to risk failing. We have a million convenient excuses. "Oh, who can possibly look like a superhero at THAT age," some might sneer. To which I ask, "Have you tried?" And I mean, have you really really deep-in-your-heart tried? Perhaps it's not what you really want then? Or are you afraid?

Today's is Monday and a Heavy Bench day probably all over the civilized world. The gym feels humid and warm, but I still have my hoodie zipped up and my iPod blaring. A young woman is peddling the "tractor" again and I have to assume that she prefers it because the other two ellipticals are free. I hop on my favorite Precor and punch in program Hill #5. I've been a complete slug the entire weekend, not even venturing out of my pajamas on Saturday. Sunday was my husband's birthday and we got cups of gelato, followed by groceries so I could make him a birthday dinner of Chinese-style beef with tomatoes (with oyster sauce and beef broth over noodles). Now I'm stiff and slightly breathless as I peddle furiously just to maintain a 195 Strides Per Minute pace. I didn't drink or eat all that much this weekend, although I've become pleasantly acquainted with the Stella Artois version of hard cider. At 170 calories, it's less damaging than Angry Orchard (200 per bottle). An online search informs me that Red's Apple Ale is even less, at 165 calories. But the difference between a brewed ale and fermented hard cider is lost on me. What's not lost on me is how much I'm enjoying my revised Short Cardio Playlist and I manage to log in a tad over 4 miles. Yay!

I'm not seeing much
obvious change.

The Smith is free and the gym is sparsely populated. It's that time during the summer when everyone's on vacation. The bar feels heavy, the tract gunked and sticky. It's not promising, but I tell myself that this'll feel more like the real thing, more like an unassisted bench. I've been telling myself that for weeks now instead of nagging the folks at the front desk to service the machine. I pyramid my weights up but even now, 135 lbs feels awfully heavy. It makes me hesitate to add the last two plates to the bar. I wrap my wrists before putting my gloves back on, reassuring myself that I've been pushing this weight for weeks, nay, months so I can do this now. Normally, I don't bench as deeply on the heavy set because it's godawful heavy, and I don't have a spotter. But today I get 5 good deep reps and then I panic because I seem to be stuck on the 6th rep. Are my arms failing?!

I know I can just turn my wrists and the bar will set on the rack but I really want to push the bar back to its start point. I finish the set but I'm unnerved enough to consider doing drop sets now, or maybe even asking someone for a spot. Nixon is alternating with another fellow using a bench the next station over. But I resist the urge to ask him. And I resist the urge to pull plates off the bar. Instead, I consider doing the next set quicker, and not quite so deep. I do this to regain my confidence that I can actually handle the weight. Doubt is corrosive and needs to be neutralized ASAP! The 2nd set felt more like a normal set. And the 3rd set wasn't quite as quick and not quite as deep as the 1st, but it still felt controlled. The drop sets come easily now and I leave the bench feeling better. Perhaps because there's nothing worse than fear. Except doubt.

After Cage Stretch I grab a pair of 2.5 lb magnetic discs to use on the 25 lb dumbbells. I've been meaning to up my weights and drop my reps. Small delicate joints like shoulders and elbows require small, patient increases. I baby my lower back by using the Inclined Bench for Rear Delt Raises. After a warm up set of 15 reps, I gingerly add the discs and knock out 5 more sets at 8 reps. It's the amount of reps I can do comfortably so I wonder if I can handle 30 lb dumbbells in the 4-6 rep range. But I don't want to get ahead of myself. My joints have always been my weak points. For my last set, I do as many reps until I can't. It's 12. Maybe I should up the weight again. Next week. I can do this next week.

I'm less confident with the standing Lateral DB Raises. My arms and shoulders are already tired so I compromise by doing 3 sets of 12 with just the DB, and then another 3 sets of 8 with the added weight. I'm thinking about how relaxing sit ups will be when I grab the 40 lb BB for Upright Rows. Then I add the discs and do another 3 sets. I feel toasted. Sit ups are such a relief that I knock out 200 on the flat bench, and do another 100 crunches on the "ABench" station. Finally it's time for Mat Stretch! Yay! There's two old guys on the Mats but I don't care and position myself on the front mat. As long as I'm plugged in, I'm oblivious to everyone around me. I know that they're there, but I just don't care. The Mayor, Nixon, M, B, Mo, Hoodie Tattoo, Ranger Rick, Skinny Blonde, R. I don't see anything but the mat and where I need my feet to be.

The gym scale reads 110.2 lbs. Not awful considering I'd just sucked down the entire 1.5 liters of water. The hot shower feels so good that it's with great difficulty that I start tuning the hot down and the cold water up. When I go to leave, I see R at the cables by the Cage Stretch so I stop to say Hi and Bye to him. He's grimacing as I approach but smiles when I get his attention. I'm probably smiling too because I'm showered and dressed and got the rest of my day to run errands and stuf. It's a nice way to end the workout.

Today's Fear of Failure Workout:
35 min hill #5 = 4.05 miles Yay!
Smith Bench Press: 12 @ bar / 12 @ 95 / 10 @ 115 / 8 @ 135 / 3 x 6 @ 155 / 12 @ 135 / 15 @ 115 / 25 @ 95 lbs
Cage Stretch with BW Heel Dips and Side Kicks
Inclined Rear DB Raises: 15 @ 25 lbs / 5 x 8 @ 27.5 lbs / 12 @ 27.5 lbs
Standing Lateral DB Raises: 3 x 12 @ 25 lbs / 3 x 8 @ 27.5 lbs
BB Upright Rows: 15 @ 40 lbs / 3 x 12 @ 45 lbs
Flat Bench Twisting Sit Ups: 200
Ab Crunch Station: 100
Torso Twist Machine: 2 x 25 @ 50 lbs
Mat Stretch with splits and Dive Bomber Push Ups (5 hands under shoulders + 3 hands under waist)

Don't Beat a Dead Horse

Knowing when to switch gears is paramount in driving a manual transmission. Now that most vehicles are automatic transmission, it's much easier to just step on the gas and go. As long as you know when to brake, and when to coast. Covering the brake doesn't mean resting your foot on the brake pedal, but hovering it above, just in case you need to use it. Too many people ride their brakes, driving in a stop and go fashion with their foot either on the brake or the gas. Too many people don't know their vehicles well enough to execute a tight turn even though their cars are front-wheel drive, or better yet, like all Subarus, all-wheel drive. I'm not sure whether it's mental laziness, or plain ineptitude. The body is a lot like a vehicle, except that it's harder to get replacement parts for it. Some days you're better off in low gear, especially if there's a steep incline, or decline in your trajectory.

Although I thought about doing Double Cardio today, I decided to save that for tomorrow when all I had was abs and the Nexersys on the agenda. Today is Arm Day and I'd like to power through the program so I cut back to one cardio session today. Even though I did almost as well as yesterday on the Intervals course, it was a much harder struggle. Nevermind that I started on Precor #2 (the Tractor) because #1 and #3 were occupied. Three and a half minutes into Interval 7 and the 7-foot tall dude to my left on Precor #1 is done. He just hops off and walks away. Doesn't wipe down the machine, doesn't reset the program. I hate people like that. I check to make sure that he's not coming back, then reset my elliptical before hopping on #1. I don't care that I have to start from scratch because it's elliptical #1 and it rides so much easier than the other machines.

When I'm done I head to the free weights. Someone has left a pair of 45 lb plates on the bar. I pull off one ear-piece and ask The Mayor (who's on the next bench over) if anyone's using the Smith. He shrugs while looking around, so I proceed to strip the bar. The Mayor asks me if I'd prefer a regular bench and I shrug because it doesn't matter to me but if he wants the incline I'll grab a flat bench. He rolls the incline away and graciously replaces it with a flat bench, saying, "You like it with the stable end here, right?" as he places the U-shape legs under the bar. I nod and thank him, because I'm not going to tell him that I put the U-shape there because otherwise it gets in the way of my feet when I'm positioning myself on the bench. I'm small with short legs so my feet land right where the bench feet would be and it's hard for me to get into a stable bridge position. I have to admit that the regulars sometimes do seem to fall all over themselves. I should probably be nicer. But that would require being sociable. And I'm not.

Today is Arm Day and I start off with several sets of close grip bench presses. I have my hands placed about 4 inches apart on the bar. Normally my wrists would complain but today I've wrapped them with my new wrist wraps. It would've been nice it there were left and right wraps but sadly, both wraps seem more suitable for the left hand (thumb loop is on upper right corner of wrap and there's a definite inside and outside to the wrap for the velcro tab). The thumb loop causes the wrap to cross my palm on the right hand, but it's not uncomfortable. The presses feel good with the exception of a slight twinge in my right front delt. It's another old chronic injury that flares up every now and then. Well, at least I'm not doing shoulders today so it's got a reprieve.

I always like to do Cage Stretch after a big movement like presses. Enough time has passed for my legs to loosen up from the cardio, but not enough time so that I've cooled down or started to stiffen. After the stretch I head back to the free weight area. Alternating Dumbbell Curls for biceps, then to the cable station to do Tricep Press Downs. I can only reach the handles by standing on my tip-toes but this seems ridiculously easy today, as if I've developed new platforms on the balls of my feet. Maybe it's all the Heel Dips I do at the Cage? I'm shooting to do 3 sets of 12 reps at 50 lbs but I fall short on the 3rd set. So I grit my teeth and impetuously knock out several drop sets. M is on the mat stretching and doing abs. Even though I haven't really spoken to him since he forgot to spot me some weeks ago, I know he's been watching everything I do. When I'm done, I stalk over to the barbell rack and grab the 50 pounder.

A tall thin woman is using the 30 lb and the 70 lb barbells but is lately nowhere in sight. I hate tripping over equipment left haphazardly. Eventually she returns but I'm already knocking out my sets of barbell curls. At least she puts the barbells away when she's done doing side lunges with the 30 lbs and deadlifts with the 70 lb. But they're not in the right positions in the rack. The 70 is where the 50 should be, and the 30 is wehre the 70 should be. I shake my head and put my barbell away in the only remaining slot. I don't work there so I'm not going to rearrange all the barbells, although sometimes I do that to the dumbbells. I only have two exercises left although I feel guilty about not doing abs yesterday. Tricep Kick Backs kick my butt. I only do three sets but I can feel myself flagging a bit between sets. Still, seeing my triceps flex in the mirror cheers me up. Then, cursing to myself, I grab the 40 lb barbell and do three sets of Reverse Grip Barbell Curls.

Top left clockwise: Grips, gloves,
gloves with wrist wraps, wrist wraps
with thumb loops, elbow braces

Okay, I'm toast. Yet the sit up board is vacant. Okay, I'll just knock out a quick hundred. Or hundred and twenty-five. My lower back feels stiff. Maybe I should do some crunches. After a hundred I decide it's time to check the mat and stretch. First I have to wipe it down because there's water or drool or something wet on the big mat, and there's nothing worse than sliding down into a split and smearing up against a wet spot. Yuck. I manage a few Dive Bomber Pushups, and then adjust my hands so they're under my mid-torso and do a few more. This second position is a bit harder but adds more of a back stretch to the movement. I'm actually surprised that I don't fall on my face doing these because it's a lot of tricep involvement here. I probably couldn't do 50 push ups, so next time I might try that. Last time I did push ups at the gym (what, was that last year?) I could manage 50. Now I'm not so sure. I've also acquired so much gear that I'm in danger of dropping bits and pieces all throughout the gym so now I'm looking for a small "stuff sack". I used to have a few of them, but it's been years and now I don't know where any of them are. Sigh.

The gym scale reads an unfriendly 110.4 lbs but my home scale tells me to relax. I'm only 107.8 lbs. I'm not really worried. My clothes fit the same. Still I'd like to see better definition and I know that means cutting back on things I love, like weekend beer and sangria, and ice cream desserts. Yellow freestone peaches are in season and we eat several each day, a slight astringency countering the juicy sweet succulence of perfectly ripe fruit. The only thing that could make it better would be vanilla ice cream with a sprinkle of sea salt.

I don't know if slightly better definition is worth giving these things up. I'm already juggling cardio with weights, trying to find balance, especially now that old injuries seem to be rising from long-slumbering dormancy. Tomorrow I'm aiming for a Double Cardio day and perhaps the Nexersys just for fun. My backs seems neither better nor worse, and until I get it looked at, I guess I won't really know. But I'm a bit done with doctors for now, primarily because I haven't had any word about my kidneys (jeez, how long does the 24-hr urine test take to process?), and I have an impending consultation for my glaucoma. I'm really rather hoping that this other doctor will tell me that I don't need actual surgery, that a laser trabeculoplasty will be sufficient. The thought of a trabulectomy, which will leave a bleb on each of my eyeballs for fluid drainage, is disturbing enough. The idea that it might interfere with my work outs has me completely freaked out. But let's not beat a dead horse. It's not going to get us anywhere. Time to move on and deal with the things we know.

Today's Arm Day Workout:
35 min Interval #7 = 4.66 miles Yay!
Smith Rack Close Grip Bench Press: 12 @ bar / 4 x 25 @ 95 lbs
Cage Stretch with Heel Dips and Side Kicks
Alternating DB Curls: 6 x 8 @ 25 lbs
Tricep Press Downs: 12, 12, 10 @ 50 lbs / 10 @ 40 lbs / 12 @ 30 lbs
BB Curls: 6 x 12 @ 50 lbs
Tricep DB Kick Backs: 3 x 15 @ 20 lbs
RGBBCurls: 3 x 20 @ 40 lbs
Flat Bench Twisting Sit Ups: 125
Ab Crunch Station: 100
Mat Stretch with Dive Bomber Push Ups (5 + 3) and splits