Stress Relief

I'm not sure if there's a genetic component to anxiety, but my mother suffered from an extreme case of it, manifesting itself in OCD behavior and agoraphobia (fear of the marketplace). I get bouts of it, and although not as bad as my mother's, it's enough to make me worry that I'll morph into a housebound recluse. Yesterday, my hubs got back from Boston with the news that several people in his office had been let go. As in fired. Because my husband pretty much does whatever is needed by management (the partners), he's fairly secure in his position. He travels at the drop of a hat, and I don't give him any grief about it because that's the job.

Still, it gives us both pause for concern. He wants to move to Dallas. His company now has an office there, and is trying desperately to close this one in Bethel, Connecticut. There is talk of moving the remaining staff down to Fairfield (where the remaining senior partner lives), which still seems expensive, and a much longer commute for my hubs. The other senior partners have mostly moved to Wyoming, I'm assuming for tax purposes, since there's an office in Denver, but no one wants to live in Denver.

My hubs is too tired to work out (having just returned from Dallas and immediately drove up to Boston and back in a day), and just has a few beers with dinner before heading to bed. I can't sleep. Not only am I now addicted to this new iPad game Word Connect, but I'm so stressed that I can't seem to inhale properly if I'm sitting. Probably something to do with organs getting all compressed. I'm much happier if I can stand, or sit bolt upright. When I get up in the morning, I'm still so anxious I can literally feel myself "jumping out of my skin." It's not a good feeling. I can only imagine that it's this feeling that makes people do stupid, desperate things. Like drugs. Or murder-suicides. A lot of people seem to be jumping off bridges and in front of oncoming trains lately. I'm sad, but not that shocked.

My cortisol levels have to be at an unhealthy level. I'm so stressed I almost skip the gym today, rationalizing that there's too many other things to do. I have no energy and don't actually want to leave the house. I'm in a fog as well, and can't seem to clear my head, even with a cup of strong coffee. Plus I've had mild vertigo for the past month or so... probably tree spoo (a term my son thinks is hilarious) and air pressure issues.

I force myself to pack my gear and drive to the gym. There are too many old people driving. Or rather, not driving, but hesitating at intersections. They're going to get someone killed. They sit waiting for cars that are almost a quarter mile away to drive past. I honk my horn at the car in front of me because it's just sitting there. A woman strolls across the two-lane road. Clearly, there's time to make a left hand turn onto the main thoroughfare. The car moves like it's sleepwalking. Ugh.

It's late but the gym is virtually empty. I like it. I spend 30 minutes on the cross-trainer, and an additional 5 for the cool down. My right foot still goes numb. My right elbow aches even before I reach the Stretch Cage, so 26 reps is my limit for HGPUs. Can I count push ups as core work? As well as knee-ins, crunches and planks? I'm starting to feel better. More focused. I get on the elliptical and punch in Program #2. It's the one I dislike the most. And then there's the 5 minute cool down. I make over 7 total miles and that makes me happy. But it's really late, so I just do a set of pull ups, and then off to shower. The overwhelming sense of dread and fear is gone. Whew!

The gym scale surprises me with 109.4 lbs. My hair is so wet that sweat is dripping off the tip of my braid. But I only drank half my water bottle. Still, it's been a long time since I've seen the scale dip below 110 lbs. When I get home, I scan my wall calendar where I jot down my weight each time I remember. My weight's been in flux for months now. The one thing about using a meal app is that it makes you exceptionally aware of all the calories you're eating. I still can't figure out how to eat more protein and less carbs though without completely blowing my calorie limit. Maybe it's not that important? Maybe what I really need to do is be mindful of all the junk I used to eat. Maybe it's just keeping my calories down. For now. Because other than adding the 5 minute cool down, I haven't really changed anything. MyFitnessPal tells me that I'll be down to 107.5 lbs by September. I'm actually hoping sooner. And hoping that it'll stick.

Wednesday
7.17 miles

30 min x-trainer + 5cd
Calories 162
Miles 4.22
Average Heart Rate 148

HGPU 26
Knee-Ins 50
Push Ups 50
Crunches 3 x 50
Bird Dogs 2 x 60s
Side Planks 2 x 60s
Push Ups 50

30 min elliptical + 5cd
Program 2
Calories 333
Miles 2.96
Average Heart Rate 145

 HGPU 26

Happy Year of the Fire Rooster

It's Chinese New Year, aka, the Spring Festival, which traditionally lasts for 2 weeks. It's also the start of the Year of the Fire Rooster, which is suppose to reward hard work and patience. Uh, we'll see. I've got a pot roast in the slow cooker today, but last night we went out for Chinese food. Of course my son and husband ordered sushi, but I got dumplings and noodles. Traditionally, you eat dumplings for wealth because the meat-filled dough symbolizes coin purses of money, and you eat long noodles for longevity. Yes, lots of superstition among the Chinese... but it's fun.

Yesterday I whacked the Nexersys kickboxing machine for 15 rounds. Not continuously as I always take a few minutes between each session to wipe the sweat off my face and blow my nose. I knew my accuracy wasn't going to be stellar when I managed to loosen the right pad of the machine with an excellent Cross during the Beginner rounds. Oh well... And then the machine got me back by not registering some of my blows. I did blank the machine a few times as well. But I'm always happy when I'm able to draw up enough energy for the final round and really whack the machine. I always feel as if I've won no matter how the machine scores, (instead of walking away exhausted and beaten). That in itself energizes me for the next exercise — elliptical.

I don't have a lot of time so I only do 20 minutes of Performance Program 3. Then I stretch a little, and grab the roof bars for pull ups. I can only get to 36. Only. Strangely, even though my shoulder and elbow bother me when I wake up, they don't pose any problems while I'm actually exercising. It might be the adrenaline and endorphins, or it might be just that activity helps with the soreness. I know that movement helps with anxiety, and I feel much calmer when I leave the gym. Maybe I'm just too tired to care?

Anxiety (and self-medication) seems to be on the rise according to all the media. Overwhelming stress causes us all to seek relief in an assortment of ways, from non-stop gaming to food and alcohol addictions, prescription medications and meditations... Some days, I think back wistfully to when life was so much simpler, when the future seemed inevitably bright. But there's no turning back the clock to when healthcare was affordable and a savings account actually accrued interest. Even though we have health insurance, we can't really afford to use it (even for routine items) due to the high deductibles. Chain stores are laying off employees. For Sale signs dot the residential landscape. Tolls and fares are rising. Now, I keep my doubts to myself, and hope for the best because I don't want to pass my anxiety on to my son. An Alberta Clipper promises to drop more weather on us next week. My hubs will be in Houston, then Boston. At least the dog is feeling better...

Friday Workout

10 min elliptical
Calories 92
Miles 0.82

Nexersys
5r Beginner
5r Intermediate
5r Advance

20 min elliptical
Program 3
Calories 186
Miles 1.66

HGPU 36





Photos posted for actual stats:

Anxiety Relief

I have a hard time falling asleep and like a child, I tend to wait until I can barely keep my eyes open. Then I grouse when the alarm sounds too soon in the pre-dawn dark. My mother suffered from an assortment of mental and emotional disorders but her most destructive was severe anxiety. I wonder if it's hereditary or environmental. She most clearly suffered from PTSD, having fled the bombing of Canton as a child in 1938. An untreated case of rheumatic fever led to destruction of her heart valves, and has recently been implicated in severe cases of OCD. She definitely had that. And agoraphobia. And probably a few other undiagnosed disorders. And while I don't think I'm horribly warped from my own dramatic childhood, I do suffer from anxiety. My only successful relief has been exercise, and lots of it.

I get anxious when I travel, so I tend to be a homebody. I worry about everything. Probably because I tend to over-think everything. That's why the gym is such a relief. It's the cure for my own head. I plug in my tunes and go about my routine. Most of the time it's not possible to worry when you're focusing on pushing heavy weight. Cardio is the only place where the mind can wander, unless you're moving so hard that the only thing you can focus on is the beat of your tunes.

Today I manage to get respectable mileage. I'm at the gym late enough so that most of the creepy guys are leaving when I come in, like PJ Pants, Shaggy and Frankenstein. Yaaay! I can still hear The Mayor behind me when I'm at the Smith and I shove my earbuds in tighter. Old guys must be deaf. And they fail to realize that people like me don't want to hear them. Don't care what they're chortling about. Other old guys stop by to swap stories. But women don't, especially the younger ones. Because like me, they're busy getting work done.

I skip the push ups and core today and settle for a few weight-lifting movements. I had thought I was just working on Wednesday, but it turns out that I'm also working on Thursday. And since I'd really like to whack the machine on Friday, and I just did body-weight stuff yesterday, well... it's kind of a no-brainer that today would be cardio and some Push and some Pull. I skip SLDLs because I haven't had enough sleep and I don't want to hurt myself. I'm tired and I adjust my expectations accordingly by cutting reps or sets altogether. It's still a badass workout. Well, at least I managed to do a few extra pull ups at the end.

Tuesday Workout
6.3 total cardio miles

30 min x-trainer
3.69 miles
140 calories
7.38  average speed
8:08 average pace

HGPU 31
Knee-Ins 50

Smith Inclined Bench
Bar x 15
15 x 50
12 x 70
10 x 80
25 x 60

Smith RG BB Row
21 x 80, 100, 120

DB Lat s/s Rev Incl Flyes
25 lbs x 12/15 x 3

30 min elliptical
Prgm 2
Miles:  2.61
Calories:  297

HGPU 36 Yaaay!

Running On Half A Tank

I read somewhere that daughters were prone to inheriting their mothers' craziness. I hope it's not true. My mom was bat-shit crazy. Not the obvious "cat lady hoarder crazy", but unhinged nonetheless. When I read that OCD could be related to untreated childhood rheumatic heart disease, I felt like I'd been granted a reprieve. I'm not as compulsive as my mother, but there are personality traits I'd rather not have. Like anxiety. Occasionally I wake up in a panic with racing thoughts, and irrational fear. I think our society may have such tendencies as a whole, explaining our obsession with "leisurely" pursuits that allow us to self-medicate and obliviate our worries. (Yes, that's a real word.) It explains the despair and hopeless rage of mass murder and suicides. It is scary as hell.

If you're not a cog in the machine, then what are you? Are your thoughts rational or delusional? They seem to change like the weather. If my visual perception can change dramatically without the aid of lenses or mind/mood altering products, then what of emotional and intellectual perceptions. For example, I once described an acquaintance as tall and thin as she loomed over me. But she's only two to three inches taller than me and probably the same weight. Astigmatism? I don't think it works quite like that. My emotions have run the gamut from raging despair to quiet happiness in a span of a few weeks where nothing else has changed. Is this menopause brain?

I'll be 56 next month, and I'm trying to wrap my head around getting soft and flabby. It's not a comforting thought. Marketeers of hearing aids and assisted living plans are all too eager to sell unnecessary items to me. Rosie, the senior who walks a mile and a half to the gym, tells me she thinks I'm in my 30s. She needs better glasses, but I'm flattered. And I don't feel quite as soft and dumpy anymore, even though I know I've looked better.

I had a dream about being surrounded and lost in a literal mountain heap of black plastic garbage bags, strewn with small yellow shopping bags. Someone was asking me why I was shopping so much. And I woke up in a panic, my heart racing, worried that I was sitting on the edge of a precipice, too scared to move. My mother suffered from agoraphobia. I don't have that issue, but I'm not a big traveler. When I roamed, when I was younger, it was with a sense of fated recklessness. Now I have responsibilities, people I care about and love. And I feel paralyzed, with too many projects I have yet to start and complete. I feel overwhelmed. What I really need to do is breathe. Calm down, make a list, and then actually check the items off as I get them done. Without distractions. Going to the gym is a distraction. But it is also a calming meditation, and in a sense, medication for my over-wired brain.

I get to the gym today, having had fractured and disturbing sleep. I'm lagging a bit. But I still manage over 6 miles in cardio. Still knock out a few push ups and pull ups, bench a few reps. The sciatica threatens to cramp my hamstring as I add plates to the bar. But I up the reps on the Reverse Incline DB Flyes. I only do two sets of pull ups though, because today the Stretch Cage is very popular with the Seniors. My sciatica really bothers me when I pull myself up straight so I curl my knees into my chest. I feel a familiar strain under my sternum as I pull. Not a good feeling. Is my gall bladder acting up? Or my liver? The only thing that seems easy are the Drag Curls. I should probably up those weights next time.

Thursday Workout
(6.4 miles cardio)

Cross Trainer

Steady State

Calorie :   137 CAL
Distance: 3.83 mile
Speed :    7.65 mph
Duration : 00:30:00

Hammer Grip Pull Up

190.4

Set 1 : 112x21

Wide Hand Pushup

75

Set 1 : 75 Lap/Rep

Plank

Straight/Elbow

Set 1 : 00:00:30
Set 2 : 00:00:30
Set 3 : 00:00:30
Set 4 : 00:00:30

Crunches

50

Set 1 : 50 Lap/Rep
Set 2 : 50 Lap/Rep
Set 3 : 50 Lap/Rep

T Pushup

31

Set 1 : 31 Lap/Rep

Plank

Side

Set 1 : 00:00:30
Set 2 : 00:00:30
Set 3 : 00:00:30
Set 4 : 00:00:30

Smith Machine Bench Press

165

Set 1 : 30x15
Set 2 : 80x12
Set 3 : 100x10
Set 4 : 120x8
Set 5 : 90x25

Dumbbell Lateral Raise

35

Set 1 : 20x12
Set 2 : 20x12
Set 3 : 20x12
Set 4 : 25x12
Set 5 : 25x12
Set 6 : 25x12 SuperSet with

Dumbbell Reverse Flyes

41.67

Set 1 : 20x15
Set 2 : 20x15
Set 3 : 20x20 Yay!
Set 4 : 25x20 More Yay!
Set 5 : 25x20
Set 6 : 25x20

Barbell Drag Curl

75

Set 1 : 50x15
Set 2 : 50x15
Set 3 : 50x15

Elliptical Training

Prgm#3

Calorie :   291 CAL
Distance: 2.57 mile
Duration : 00:30:00

Hammer Grip Pull Up

190.4

Set 1 : 112x21

Seated Flat Bench Leg Pull In

50

Set 1 : 50 Lap/Rep

The Best Med for Anxiety

Four years doesn't sound like a long time but it's a matter of perspective. A four-year old is definitely not a new born. But children grow fast. Adults tend not to change too much too quickly, unless they've been sick, or started a new exercise regime. I've changed a lot physically since I joined the gym four and a half years ago. An old guy with bad Navy tats on his arms shows up at the gym after a long hiatus. I remember him when I first joined. He was old then too, but didn't look unhealthy. Now he's skinny and frail, the skin hanging off his arms like wrinkled sheets. Maybe he's been sick. Or maybe he just got old?


I see the Body Pump trainer in the locker room. She's my age, but our lifestyles are totally different. On the other hand, she's probably like most of the women in this area: gets her nails done, gets her brows done, gets her hair colored and cut, gets a Brazilian wax, drinks and parties hard, has mostly grown kids (youngest is a Senior in HS), lies out in the sun at their beach house. She's skinny too, but not a skinny I'd envy. The flesh on her arms hangs off the humerus, much like the old man's. Which I don't understand since she teaches fitness classes part-time. Her thin face is drawn with deep furrows. I doubt if she could chin herself, but maybe she'd surprise me? Age has a way of walloping you when you least expect it. I can see it in myself, especially around the eyes and mouth. I didn't have all these faint wrinkles last year!

I desperately want to cut off my hair and go back to my old Pixie cut style, because long hair is always in the way. In spite of hair clips and barrettes, I've resorted to whacking the bangs off instead. At least they're fairly even so I don't look like a 3 yr old did it. But the last time I remember having bangs and a pigtail was for my 4th grade class photo, when I was 9. Hmmm, maybe it makes me look younger?

I'm stressed and anxious about tomorrow's laser procedure so I take it out on the kickboxing machine. It's what it's there for! Because the Beginner rounds are so frustrating, I've dropped them down to 4 and moved a round up on the Intermediate. The Intermediate is frustrating for completely different reasons. The Beginner rounds are slow, and I'm always always punching or kicking too hard. The Intermediate rounds don't always register my kicks or sweeps, and the machine is flaky enough to run through a series of incomplete sequences. Images denoting blows light up, but the accompanying instructions don't. So I'm not sure if I'm suppose to whack the machine. Or not. Mostly I do. Trying to play "catch-up" as the machine rambles through a series of nonsensical sequences. My Accuracy score suffers, but I don't care. But even in the Intermediate Program, the machine stops every time I land a Power Hook. I have to pull the punch, just like I have to pull the Cross and the Power Dig. Oh jeeze! The machine needs new parts or something 'cuz I'm a wee thing with wee hands.

Trying to flatten the belly
with planks 'cuz crunches and
weighted ab work makes
me bigger! Not what I want!

At the end of the session, the machine advises me that I should add rounds. I'm tempted to try one round of Advanced next time. Maybe on the other machine since this one tends to switch into South Paw mode for no apparent reason, which makes scoring nearly impossible.

I'm still feeling anxious so I take 15 minutes to climb the Step Mill. I get to watch the few people who are here today: The Mayor, Shazam, PonyTail, Vest Girl, Daniel Bryan Fan... Vest Girl is doing Smith Split Squats. Cool! I stretch at the Cage and then the Mat because my lower back gets very stiff from all the kicks and sweeps. I'm probably not going to the gym tomorrow. The ophthalmologist's office says I'll be there a good 2-3 hours so that means I'm not getting home until noon or some time afterwards. I get to take my son to the gym with me next Monday and Tuesday. I wonder what movie is going to be playing. At least there's something to look forward to.

Thursday Workout

10 min warm up elliptical = 0.85 miles

Nexersys Kickboxing Machine
4 rounds Beginner Follow Me
10 rounds Intermediate Follow Me

15 min Step Mill speed 6

Photos posted for actual stats:

4 rounds Beginner Follow Me

10 rounds Intermediate Follow Me