I skipped the gym yesterday and got errands done before my afternoon glaucoma doc appointment. I had a standard VF (visual field) test and a pressure check. My eyes have been extremely dry and uncomfortable, with the left eye feeling gloppy. Sometimes it aches a little. My left eye is also the non-dominant one, with a slight swelling in the upper lid and a tendency to close halfway when I'm tired. So I'm surprised when the VF tests show that my right eye is the one with greater vision loss. I'd had trouble concentrating with my right eye patched closed -- the dominant eye "sees" the inside of the eye patch while I'm trying to focus my left eye on the glowing center orb and tiny pinprick lights flash sporadically in the surrounding field. My pressures go up in the darkness but I'm still dismayed that both eyes read 16. It's not horrible, but considering I'm on 2 medications plus I've had stent and cataract surgery, I'm disappointed. Ideal pressures would be 10, but I've never gotten them that low. My glaucoma doc will probably mention more advanced surgeries like shunts in the future, but I'm not willing to think about that just yet.I'm pretty certain that if I gave up HIIT cardio and weight-lifting, my pressures would drop, just as they did when I spent 6 weeks recovering after surgery. But eventually I'd lose all my cardio and strength fitness, and my telomeres would shorten to nothing. I'd also go crazy with anxiety. Fitness and mental well-being is such a difficult balancing act that I can see why people give up and give in to indolence and sedentary overeating. That would be easy. I think of one of my favorite Shawn Mendes songs (yeah, I have a lot in common with gen z teens). It's a really boring music video, but a great song:
My eye doc does surgeries on Wednesdays so there's a new doc covering for her. He looks like a kid and literally sounds like Shaun Murphy, the autistic resident in the medical drama The Good Doctor. I'm not sure why all the millennials I run into have this weird, not-quite-Valley-Girl cadence when they speak. It's surreal. We discuss different eye drops since there are so many on the market, and he assures me that I should choose whichever one provides the best relief to me since everyone is different.
The front office bills me not just the co-pay, which is expensive because a glaucoma doctor is a specialist and they cost more, but also additional money for the exam. I know that the exam is completely 100% covered under my insurance but she insists on charging me $69 toward the $1500 deductible. Ugh. Later I go home and spend an hour on the phone with my insurance company. No, I've been charged incorrectly. Exams and tests are completely covered. I also question the bill from the out-of-network anesthesiologist from September's surgery. Thankfully, the NYS Surprise Bill Law protects me from having to pay him thousands of dollars. At least I hope that's how this works.
I read an article about how people are going to be upset when they find they owe the IRS tax money instead of getting a refund. My husband texts me to complain how his paycheck has seen very little increase in spite of a raise. I told him that the new tax laws weren't going to benefit us, but he didn't believe me. We live in NYS and we're going to get skunked. I blame rich politicians who benefit from wealthy corporations getting massive tax breaks and incentives. They appoint and hire their industry buddies, use tax-payer funds to decorate and travel, and make the term "public servant" more than ironic. These are already wealthy individuals. Their concerns are not our concerns.
When I wake up this morning, I'm already depressed. I spent several hours last night helping my son navigate through his course choices for next year, his freshman year in high school. My HS experiences at a massively overcrowded city magnet school cannot compare to the spacious one he will attend in the Fall. Meanwhile, my own job search is disheartening. Part of my problem is that I have too many interests so it's hard for me to focus on a specific path. I feel like I have adult ADD. I've signed up for a slew of different skills courses courtesy of my public library and lynda.com. Which one should I do first? What jobs am I looking at? Which ones might actually hire me in spite of my lack of experience and daunting education? Yes, I'm simultaneously over and underqualified for everything except jobs that I don't want because the commute is impractical for someone who is basically a single parent most of the time.
I put a blanket in the dryer to warm it up so my son can wrap himself in it as I drive him to school. My car is one of thousands now subject to a recall for a defective and potentially deadly front passenger airbag. Just great. The service appointment is for next week. Until then, my son gets to ride in the back, but those seats don't have warmers and neither of us knows where the air or heat vents are, or even if they exist.
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| Behind me, someone hitting the heavy bag |
I admit that I'm freaking out a bit about turning 59 next month. My grandmother was 60 when I was born. Am I having a mid-life crisis? Perhaps. Should I have done things differently when I was younger? Absolutely. Truthfully, when I got out of school I was totally adrift and lost, with no plans for the future. I'm still wrestling with all my anxieties and insecurities even though my parents are long dead. It's hard to push past mental obstacles that have loomed so large for so long. The physical obstacles are less oppressive. That's perhaps why I enjoy my gym time so much and am loathe to give it up. If nothing else, I'm trying to ensure that my son grows up with a secure and stable childhood, knowing that he is loved and encouraged to be the best he can be. I need a little of that for myself as well. Gym life at least gives me validation when nothing else seems positive.
(BTW, I read that Shawn Mendes works out like a fiend to combat anxiety, and he's developed a great physique. Of course, he's still a teenager too. Click here to view his youtube workout video compilation.)
Downer Thursday
10 min elliptical
Calories 89
Miles 0.80
HR 154-178 (115)
T, Y & I Raises
5lbs x 15 x 2
Mid-Band Pulls 15
High Band Pulls 15
Nexersys FM
Beginner 7r
Intermediate 7r
Quick Mat Stretch
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