Sometimes it's Best NOT to Listen

Tuesday is sunny, and bloody cold at 54°F when I take the dog for his morning walk. It figures. I head over to the gym wearing new capri leggings under my hoodie and tank top. 45 min of cardio on one of the creakier ellipticals (there are 4 and 2 are better, smoother than the other 2) gives me 5.08 miles and I'm okay with that. The gym looks awfully crowded though so I'm off to the cage to stretch and kick, kill a little time and hope one of the cable rowing stations opens up.

I feel really self-conscious wearing these capri leggings. I can see my thighs flex as I walk. I know my calves are pumped from all the cardio. I keep pulling my hoodie down over my butt. Okay, I can get to the rowing station! Yay! My elbow twinges a bit after the warm up set of 12 reps at 75 lbs. I do 3 sets of 12 reps at 90 lbs, then strip off my hoodie so I can put my elbow braces on for the next 3 sets of 8 reps at 105 lbs. That doesn't feel too bad.

Torso twists, twisting situps, lower ab kickouts, lower back extensions. Check. Done. Pull downs. Ugh. I get 5 sets of 12 reps of 90 lbs and try not to grip the bar too hard. It's the gripping that affects the forearm and subsequently, my inner elbow. Afraid of losing bicep shape and strength, I do a few sets of alternating dumbbell curls. The 15 lbs feels okay but the 20s cause my thumb and wrist to ping oddly. I change my hand position so that the movement is more hammer curl now, and this keeps my forearm from rotating too much.

Today's abs "relaxed"

I do 5 sets of Bent Over Reverse Grip Barbell Rows with the 50 lb bar. At first I can get 15 reps and I can really feel my lats. By the last set, I have to take 2 breaths at the 10 rep point before I can finish the set. Still, at some point I'm hoping to see results.

No 21s or barbell curls today. I stretch out to Billy Idol (he's touring Europe!) and go shower. The scale reads 107.2 lbs. I'm definitely heavier and I'm a tad concerned about my abs. I still feel a little bloated. The mirror's in the wrong place at the gym for me to look at my abs without blocking the doorway. At home I'm surprised at how hard it is to photograph yourself without reflexively contracting your stomach muscles.

I look at myself and definitely don't feel "too skinny" although my husband tells me in that tip-toe-through-a-minefield-way, that he agrees with the term skinny. "But in a good way," he adds. I tell him that skinny means stick-doll arms, and being so frail that the wind knocks you down. "Oh, no. Not that kind of skinny," he clarifies.

It doesn't matter though, because I'm still going to work out. My weight is stable even doing 5 miles a day because I'm eating more. I'm pretty sure if I cut out the bread and butter, and ice cream desserts, I'd start to lose weight, or at least body fat. But I don't feel the need to do that.

Sometimes your friends say things that aren't really very helpful either. I'm afraid that some friends are more comfortable with you in your old body, because they're unconsciously threatened by you in your new body. I'm pretty sure now that B would rather I was 20 lbs heavier and looked my age. She can't help it. "You've done in a year what took me 7 years to do," she once told me. I can't help it either. You have to know your "friends" and listen to yourself. Trust yourself. And then just get out there, and Do It!