What They Don't Tell You

Every hospital seems to have different protocols and I'm always surprised by how they differ. Yesterday, I went to have a toe biopsy done. The procedure itself requires anesthesia, so the hospital requires the patient to undergo an ECG and blood work to make sure there's no underlying issues. I'm good to go. My blood pressure has been elevated lately due to my anxiety although my pulse rate is remarkably good and comes in at an athletic 50 bpm. My blood pressure before the procedure is an alarming (to me) 145/88, but drops down to 117/80 afterward.

This hospital, while taking my vitals, has me swab my nostrils with iodine. That's a new protocol to prevent cross-contamination of wounds from patients rubbing their noses! Then they measure my neck circumference because people with fat necks are usually obese (and are usually men) and at risk for sleep apnea. I guess that's another risk when undergoing anesthesia. They make sure I don't have any metal implants because I'll be laying on a metal ground in case they need to cauterize something. Uh, okay. We are told before arriving not to bring any weapons. Really? That's something you have to tell people?!

I'm such a flyweight that the mild sedative they give me so they can administer local anesthetic to my big toe actually puts me out until I wake up, not in the operating room, but in recovery with my husband sitting by the bedside. It's been almost two hours. I get a light snack and a wheelchair ride to the curb. Printed instructions tell me to take my meds, call with any questions, and to leave the dressing on my wound for 24 hours before applying Neosporin and a new bandage. I have antibiotics and pain meds at home. I find that taking 3 ibuprofen tablets is enough and I absolutely don't need the oxycodone they've prescribed. I also marvel at how easily docs prescribe this narcotic!

I do have to keep the foot elevated at first because the toe is so tender. Once I take my super soft alpaca wool sock off, I can't put it back because my foot feels swollen and really sensitive. Also super glad to have purchased velcro-closing memory foam slippers because I can't slip my foot into anything. This morning, my foot feels better although still tender. I take my antibiotics as prescribed. Finally, I can pull on a pair of super warm arctic weight alpaca socks and limp around the house on the heel of the foot. That makes the quad of my left leg really work! Thank goodness schools are all closed due to the ice storm, and my husband is home on vacation days. I have him refill the bird feeder and I swear I hear the tiny birds all cheer in the surrounding hedges.

After 24 hours, I unwrap the self-sticking elastic gauze. Then the blood-soaked padding. The blood has dried and hardened. There is a yellow pad stuck to the surface of my toe where the nail used to be. Ugh. It's too painful to yank off and I resort to trying to roll it off a bit at a time. Nowhere in any of the follow-up packets is this problem addressed, as if it never happens. Right? This sort of thing only happens to me? I don't think so! It looks like there might be a stitch or two as well. The marker is mostly washed off so those black lines look like sutures to me.

My husband suggests soaking it in sterile saline and proffers his new unopened bottle of contact lens solution. I don't see any other options so that's what I do. It takes a really long time for the pad to come loose enough for me to peel off without further damaging the surface of my toe. There's a thread or two that I'm unable to remove. Ugh. I'll try again tomorrow. Meanwhile I put a generous gob of triple antibiotic ointment on a fresh new gauze pad and affix it with several bandages, finally securing the whole bundle with the original self-sticking elastic gauze. We'll have to buy more.

My husband and I agree that we need to update our household emergency kit. This was a good opportunity to see what we really need. A trip to the local CVS is on the agenda for tomorrow! I'm suppose to repeat this procedure for 6 days, and then next week leave the toe unbandaged but slathered in Aquaphor. That's going to make for messy socks.

The nail should grow back eventually. Depending on how sensitive my foot is, I'll test my options for a gym workout in a few days. Because, you know... gym rats.