Dogless Is Not a Quiet I'm Used To

I called the vet to move the appointment up from Thursday. The dog's condition has declined precipitously in just a day. He can no longer get himself up and I need to hold him by his diaper so he can walk down the hall. He has no interest in outside and lies on his bed with his back to the glass storm door. He wolfs down a half cup of turkey and rice, then has uncontrollable diarrhea all over the kitchen floor while I'm cooking dinner. He stumbles backward onto his bed and cries because he can't get up again. He cried every two hours last night, each whimper a call for help to get him to his feet. I slept in the living room again. He pants uncontrollably even though the house is fairly cool. By morning we are both exhausted. I change his diaper and drive my son to school. I go to the gym, then Kmart to buy my son new underwear. The local news has announced that this store will be shuttered by the Holidays, as will the Sears in the nearby mall. Sigh.

At the gym, I decide to wear my new Nightmare Before Christmas tank top because Jack has a bony little dog. I do my first Norwegian 4 x 4 in months. My heart rate starts off very high, then tapers down as I acclimatize. I get my lowest reading of 101 bpm just as I finish the first minute of the last 4-minute peak. That makes me chuckle. Cardio was hard but not crazy impossible hard. I'm sore from yesterday and that surprises me. My lower abs especially, and from just one set of crunches! I'm not ready for Smith RDLs yet, but I can do some other auxiliary movements, like T-bar Rows and Lat Pull Downs. I swap out the straight handle for a shoulder-width neutral grip, but I manage to puncture my thumb while doing it. It's the peeling chrome finish that gets me. (Yes, I'm the princess who gets a splinter trying to break apart those disposable chopsticks at the sushi house.) It bleeds profusely. Luckily, the front desk has a band-aid. I finish my set, then stretch out and shower. I don't even tape my eye shut anymore. The eye, however, still feels like there's sand under my eyelid. I can't wait until that goes away!

When I get home, I see a huge pool of foamy yellow fluid on the kitchen floor. He often vomits bile when his stomach is empty. Poor pup. The dog is sprawled in the hallway, as if he had tried to get into his crate in the bedroom but had just given up. His diaper is soaked through. After I clean everything up, I put him on his bed and offer him a dab of his favorite yogurt, Strawberry-Banana, on the tip of my finger. He laps it up so I offer him a teaspoon more. It's not going to hurt him, and maybe it'll make his tum feel better. I feed him a slice of white bread in small strips. The noises in his stomach quiet down. I brush him and rub his head. He makes no attempt to move. I know it's time. I tell him how much I love him but I'm not sure he can hear me. He's lost some hearing and probably has cataracts at this age. Still, I know he knows how I feel about him. 

The vet takes time to let my pup settle down. He doesn't like new faces, new smells, new people. Because we're just chatting, he relaxes. She administers a sedative with anti-anxiety medication, injecting it in a back muscle just under his diaper. He moves unexpectedly because he thinks we mean for him to stand up, but we assure him that everything is okay. He falls asleep with me stroking his head. The vet then administers what she says is basically an anesthesia overdose. He's asleep. I know because I can stroke his paws and he wouldn't tolerate that if he were awake. I watch his chest rise and fall, deeper then slower, then faster, then slower, then not at all. This is so much better than the way I saw my best dog die, with basically just an injection to stop her heart. That was so awful. 

I've had dogs continuously since 1985 and the house feels oddly quiet. When I moved here, I had two dogs, and as one passed away, I adopted another in an overlap of ages. Now there are no dogs, and even my son, who has always known a home with at least one or two dogs, tells me that it's too quiet. 

Doomsday Tuesday

Norwegian 4x4
5 min w/u (4 min on / 3 min off) x 4
5, 9, 12, 16, 19, 23, 26, 30, 33
Calories 280
Miles 2.61
HR 101-190 (143 average)

HGPU 15

T-bar Row
Bar x 12
25lbs x 12reps x 3 sets

Lat Pull Downs
50 lbs x 12
70 x 12
85 x 12

Stretch

Anticipatory Grief

There's no way to sugarcoat the truth: everyone dies. I'm watching our ancient dog decline and make the decision to call the hospice & euthanasia vet today, after my workout. Over the weekend the dog pooped himself again, and although he still drinks water, he has drastically reduced the amount of food he can tolerate. A half cup of anything is barely enough to sustain life functions. Yesterday it was boiled chicken and a slice of white bread. Today it was boiled ground turkey and white rice. He comes over to me with his tail wagging and I'm suspicious because there's an awful stink in the air. Yep, he's pooped in the kitchen, missing most of the newspapers. Well, at least he managed to clear his own back legs this time.

I've barely had any sleep. The dog stumbles anxiously through the house at night. At 2:30 am I hear him cry and whimper because he can't get himself out of his crate even though the door is always open. I take him outside where he stands in the wet grass, looking lost and dazed. I go back to bed and he paces from kitchen to bedroom and back again. Finally, I grab my pillow and sleep on the sofa in the living room, while he dozes on his bed by the front door. When I wake during the night to check on him, he's lying on the floor next to my slippers. I hear the heat kick on.

Temps have dropped into the 40s and now it's raining. Ugh. It's a good thing I finally put all the fans away.

After driving my son to school, I head to the gym. I need to work off my anxiety, and my grief. I know the dog doesn't have long. I've noticed that diapers with white liners show brown spots amid the yellow stains. Blood? The other washable diapers had dark liners, and everything rinses out a nasty, smelly tea color in soapy water. There's very little to be done for a dog who refuses all medications and cannot travel. A dog who barely eats and is slowly losing the ability to walk, much less control his basic digestive functions.

The ellipticals are empty this morning so I hop on the first one and tap in Program 1. I don't go as fast as I can because I'm trying to mind my heart rate, or at least keep it vaguely reasonable. The cardiac lag between what the monitor displays and how much effort I'm actually exerting is laughable. My pulse rockets past its theoretical maximum rate while I maintain a steady pace on level terrain. Then as I start to climb, the monitor displays a falling HR. Uh, what?! This happens several times during the 30 minute period. I'm wearing a sleeved Boy Scout Camp shirt today because it was chilly and wet outside. It's soft and comfortable, except for the crew neck which I keep pulling down from my throat. I'm so much happier with a V-neck cut, or a tank. Tomorrow I'm definitely wearing a tank to avoid the unpleasant choking sensation crew neck shirts give me.

When I'm done, I stretch at the Cage and then face my first real challenge: pull ups. I haven't done them in weeks and I'm worried I won't be able to get any! I squeeze out 15 and don't feel so bad. There's no class yet so I join a few other women in the class room. They're doing an assortment of DB and isometric exercises. I just need to knock out core. And push ups. I'm shooting for 50, but lose count. Probably because I didn't get enough sleep. So I've either done 45, or 55. Planks are much harder than I remember, and my hand goes numb while my arm trembles. Afterwards, I decide to see if the Smith is empty.

It is, so I do a few sets of Inclined Presses. I just want to get a feel for it again. Since I'm still doing post-op eye drops, I don't push too hard. And I totally skip shoulders and triceps. Instead, I stretch a bit and then attempt another set of pull ups. This time I get more, but those last 3 weren't pretty at all. Still, I'm counting them.

Between sets, I start to reminisce about my old dog, before he got old. We got him from a shelter, the last of his litter because he was rough and mean to all his siblings. He was also the only puppy my older dog didn't threaten to eat. Instead, he climbed all over her and she just sat there passive, looking at me helplessly. He was two years old when we brought my son home from the hospital. He did used to get the other dog in trouble by initiating naughty behavior, like pulling the stuffing out of the futon pillows. He was seven when I had to euthanize the older dog, who was only 12 but had already lost the use of her back legs, bladder and bowels. His favorite game was "get the child to chase me around the yard, circle the house and hide behind the garbage cans." Two years ago he ruptured his canine ACL. A few months later he ruptured the other one, so his running and jumping days were over. For some odd reason, Leonard Cohen's song "So Long Marianne" pops into my head and stays there, even while I have tunes playing in my earbuds.


When I get home, I call the hospice vet and we chat about my old dog's prospects. I don't want to euthanize him too soon, because you can't undo dead. But I don't want to wait too long either. She suggests that he's developing some sort of dementia when he stands in the yard looking lost. We agree on Thursday afternoon. She can come sooner if needed, or later or, I can change my mind. First there'll be heavy sedation. Then an overdose of anesthesia. It's painless. She asks how I want to handle afterwards, and while I've got two dogs buried in the front yard already, I don't think there's room for another. Well, there might be, but I'd have to dig the hole beforehand, and I know I'd be hitting an awful lot of tree roots.

The last dog was cremated, and I think that'll be okay. I've never had the option before of communal or private cremation. You get back the cremains of your pet with a private, but who's to say those are really your pet's ashes, or even if they're ashes at all. (Concrete dust, anyone?) Communal is a mass cremation, with ashes sprinkled on the grounds, or so they tell us. Of course, private costs more. Again, it's all theoretical. I'd like to bury my dog, but the ground in the back is so sodden that it'd be like tossing him into a cesspit if I could ever get a hole deep enough. So I think cremation is my only choice. My hubs has already told me he doesn't want to be present for the event. And I don't think this is something my son should have to witness even though he knows the dog doesn't have much time.

I wonder if I have recordings of my dogs playing in the snow, of them chasing my son through the yard. I think about making a memorial card for the dog. Which I've never done for any of my dogs. But, as imperfect a dog as he is, not the smartest dog I ever had, not my "best" dog, never learned any tricks, refused to fetch, hated baths, scared of new things including swimming in lakes, cries during car rides... he's still my baby. And I'm missing him already.

Monday and trying not to cry

30 min elliptical
Program 1
Calories 275
Miles 2.47
AHR 156-180

HGPU 15
Push Ups 45
Side Planks 2 x 60s
Bird Dogs 2 x 60s
Crunches 30/20

Smith Inclined Press
Bar x 10, 12 (adjusting bench down)
50 x 13
70 x 12
80 x 12

Stretch

HGPU 20

A Beautiful Autumn Day

Temperatures dropped into the low 50s last night and barely hit 60 this morning. The dog couldn't get his back legs to work last night and made a mess in the bedroom. Thank goodness I buy the bulk packages of baby wipes (for the dog) and disinfectant wipes (for the floor). Unfortunately, all the humidity from the past several months has finally caused some of our wood floors to warp and start to buckle. Ugh. I think it might've either been the boiled eggs (a bit egg yolk might've been too much fat) or the leftover chicken thighs I boiled up. I thought I had removed all the intramuscular fat inside the meat, but perhaps not enough. Fat feels squishy and gelatinous whereas muscle is firm and lays in fibrous strands. It's why chicken thighs are tastier and moister than breast meat.

Today I give the dog a bit of strawberry-banana yogurt mixed with the next to last probiotic capsule. Hopefully that and a fat-free meal of white bread and boiled shredded chicken breast will make things right with the old pup's tummy. He has trouble getting to his feet so dog diapers serve double-duty as a hip handle as well. Once he's on all fours, he manages to wobble to the front door or to the kitchen for a drink of water. I try to give him a Pill Pocket with gabapentin hidden inside. No go. He also turns down anything with Metacam squirted on it. Ugh. I know meds will make the old pup feel better, but he's still got a stellar nose for things he doesn't want to eat. I'll try again later with a can of tuna in water. It might be fishy enough to mask the smell of medication.

I go to my glaucoma eye doctor appointment at her new location. She has triple the office space now, but the road work makes getting there a bit frustrating. Luckily I always build in 15 minutes additional travel time so I'm not late. The doc tells me that my eyes looks good, with pressures at 13.5 and 14 for the left and right eye, respectively. My eye itches and eyelid rim stings. The doc muses about referred pain, tells me that she could remove the stitch in my eyeball since that's what's itching me. It should dissolve on its own in a few more weeks. I ask if my left eye had a stitch and she doesn't remember if she put one in or not. It all depends on what's called for during the surgery. The tech tells me my eyes are very dry. Oh hell, I could've told you that. She gives me a sampler pack of preservative-free Refresh. Those will help.

The doc also tells me I can resume normal exercise. I press her just to confirm that HIIT cardio and pull ups and push ups are okay. She asks how many push ups and I say 50 off the top of my head. She stares for a moment. Fifty? (I think to myself, Uh, yeah. It's less than I used to do. Because I used to be a bad ass gym rat. Sigh.) She tells me I can start doing push ups next week. Okay now!

Finally Friday
30 min recumbent bike
Calories 117
Miles 2.83
HR 105-107

Hostage-Taking

I had a ridiculously non-productive day yesterday, thinking I'd go home after driving my son to school and taking a nap because I felt horribly tired. But I could never wind down enough to actually sleep and so in fact, other than scour the neighborhood for a last-minute request from my son the day before (for a top hat for a school project), I didn't get anything done. Except witness the dog wolf down a bowl of chicken gizzards, ground turkey and rice and then later barf it all up. At least he can keep the white bread down. I think the gizzards are too hard for him to digest now, so I give him canned tuna later on in the day. He eats that and saltines without any issue although he has trouble staying in a standing position. When he falls back onto his haunches, two perfectly round brown nuggets of poop roll out from under his butt. Sigh.

By the way, the Spirit Halloween pop-up shops that dotted the landscape for the past several years have all but disappeared. My guess is that they lost too much money and have restrained themselves by relying on internet sales. There are no shops in our county, and I'm not willing to drive all the way to Danbury for a prop. Rumors of a pop-up shop at the old Toys R Us were just that -- rumors. Not even the local mall, with all its store vacancies, had anything other than the threat of the Sears filing for bankruptcy. I did find the top hat though, at a Spencer's that caters to novelty T-shirts and caps. It appears to be the only store carrying Halloween costumes, makeup and props. (Not coincidentally, Spencer's is one of the parent companies of Spirit Halloween.) Whew.

Oddly, since I had my bad tooth pulled, my right eye has really felt irritated, with stinging eyelid and itchy eyeball. I suspect the odd burning soreness, where the doc originally injected the nerve block on the side of my eye three weeks ago, is just referred pain. Referred pain is pain from another source than where it is currently felt. So the area surrounding my eye might just be a reaction from the tooth extraction. Or not. Or maybe, since it's not humanly possible to focus on more than one sensation at a time, the tooth was a distraction and now that it's gone, well...

I've been alternating using the disposable dog diapers I ordered from Amazon a few weeks ago, with the washables to give my hands a break from the constant wet. The reusable wrap velcro is abrasive enough to scrape up my fingers if I'm not careful. The Amazon product is actually really well-made and very affordable. They have a patented adhesion system that doesn't stick to fur and is easily adjustable. Because I only have 6 left out of a box of 30, I try to re-order them today. Amazon tells me that I can order them in any size except the ones I last ordered. Those are now exclusively for Prime Members. Since my husband has a Prime membership, I had let my own lapse over the summer. I don't need to spend over $100 for quicker shipping. My husband and I keep separate accounts, so now I have to ask him to buy the dog diapers. Ugh. I suspect that Amazon has an algorithm that tracks what you've ordered and then makes your reorder impossible unless you join Prime. Yes, now they're holding dog diapers for ransom.

I get an email from Fosters & Smith telling me my shipment is en route. What shipment? I call the 800 phone number and speak to a fellow who tells me that yes, the auto-ship cancellation has been glitchy online. So he cancels it for me but tells me that since the order has already shipped, there's not a lot they can do. I speak to their pharmacy department as it's prescription dog food (Science Diet i/d low fat). They apologize, refund my money but tells me they can't take it back because it would cost more to return it, and then they'd have to destroy it anyway. I'm better off accepting delivery and donating it to a shelter, or perhaps my vet knows someone or a place that can use it. Sigh. I still have an unopened 12-pack of the i/d food, and a few Weruva cans. I don't see the dog ever eating canned food again, not even on soft fluffy white bread.

Today promises nothing but rain, and more rain. I get to the gym this morning, and do my 30 minutes. My eye itches, the rim of my eyelid burns as if I've somehow cut it, or the roots of my eyelashes are irritated. I still tape my eye shut when I shower. Even though the treatment sheet tells me I can stop using the eye drop antibiotics, I get it refilled. I'm the person who needs to eliminate all other issues when dealing with this discomfort in my face. As long as I'm taking the amoxicillin, and all the prescribed eye drops, I believe that this is just referred pain and nothing more serious. I see the glaucoma doc tomorrow, after the gym. You know I'm going to ask her about this.

Dreary Thursday

30 min recumbent bike
Calories 120
Miles 3.05
HR 113-105

Fogfest Tuesday

I'm not sure if it's the amoxicillin or the removal of the bad tooth, but my face feels a tad better today. My ear doesn't feel full anymore, and the inside of my cheek no longer has the weird hot sensation that makes me think I've been burned. Those might be symptoms of a low grade infection, or not. (Online, I read about a rare potentially lethal side effect of amoxicillin in a man who develops meningitis from taking it to pre-medicate before his dental appointments. WTF?!) What's really weird is how used I'd gotten to not quite biting down fully on my right side. Now that the bad tooth is gone (wrapped in tissue and tucked away in a dresser drawer because I asked the dentist if I could keep it), I can clench my jaw properly. Wow!

There's a heavy fog warning this morning. I was hoping that the sunshine would last a little longer than the few hours we saw yesterday. Mostly it's damp and overcast, like we live in Scotland. It's also 10 degrees warmer than normal for this time of the year in New York. Now there are dire storm warnings due to the impending rain from Hurricane Michael. We're all getting "alarm fatigue" because every hurricane can't be "monstrous." It's only October so there will be more storms to come.

The dog sleeps a lot, and barely makes it down the walkway to pee. Then he wants to go back to the house to rest. When I get back from the gym, I take him out again. This time he's agreeable to a longer walk down the road, and then he poops. It's a mostly normal poop, a bit messy and yellowy orange. I'm so happy it's not the horrible dark ooze from last week. At least he's not going to die from pooping himself to death. The dog laps up a teaspoon of banana-strawberry yogurt with probiotic powder. That's as much as he's interested in, so I don't push.

I offer him white bread with re-constituted peanut powder, but he turns his face. I notice that some times he can't get the left leg to move properly, and he pivots on it, staggering a circular path around his food bowl, crumpling the newspapers underfoot because he can't really lift the other leg very high either. Once he's agreeable to taking some bread, I'll offer him some cooked gizzard and ground turkey. He hasn't really eaten today, but he usually feels better later in the afternoon. I know he's not ever going to recover, I'm just slowing his decline. I still have hope that he'll pass peacefully in his sleep.

My 30 minutes of recumbent biking is pretty much the same, except my heart rate is higher when I first touch the HR monitor handles. It slows down when I focus on slowing it down. Tomorrow will be 3 weeks post glaucoma-cataract surgery. I think I'm ready to inch my routine up a tiny notch, but maybe I'll wait until after my Friday eye doc appointment.

Fogfest Tuesday

30 min recumbent bike
Calories 121
Miles 3.19
HR 111-107

Like a Reprieve From the Governor

On Saturday I called our vet to ask if there was anything else I could try to stem the horrible Hershey squirts my dog was experiencing. They offered something called Proviable KP paste but there was no way I was getting to their office before they closed in literally 10 minutes. Plus, I didn't really think it was something my dog would willingly ingest. I researched the hospice care vet online and discovered that they wouldn't be open until Monday. I kept thinking that there was something else I could do. I looked at the wall calendar in the kitchen and realized that I hadn't given the pup his Heargard last week. Normally, missing a week isn't any big deal, but he's old and in a weakened state. So I popped open the chewable and gave him his September dose. Luckily, he found it tasty enough to eat.

Within a few hours he seemed to get his appetite back and took several slices of white bread. I waited with bleach wipes and newspaper to see if this would actually stay in his system. My family and I went out to dinner and happily returned home to no mess on the kitchen floor. Sunday, the pup ate half a can of tuna (in water), more white bread, and later, some boiled chicken gizzards and ground turkey, once I had rinsed the pumpkin puree off. Such a picky dog. Again, no poop. I put his Metacam on a slice of white bread and he ate that as well. Good pup.

Monday, he ate 5 slices of white bread and has been on two walks although there's not been any actual pooping. So, I don't know whether he caught worms from all the muddy soil around our property, or if it's just a coincidence. I'd like to see a normal poop, but maybe that's asking too much? He's still frail, still extremely picky about whether he'll eat or not, still incontinent. But he's back to being manageable. It's like a last minute reprieve from the governor just as the warden's about to pull the switch. I'm glad I haven't called the hospice vet yet.

Meanwhile, I feel as if I've been grinding my teeth in my sleep. All weekend, that troublesome back molar has felt off. Today I wake up with a vague ear ache, and a weird burning sensation under my right eye. Like some sort of deep inflammation in my lower sinuses. I call my dentist and explain that I'm worried about my recent eye surgery creating complications. They want me to get approval from my glaucoma doc, who is of course, not available because they are in the process of moving to another location. I reach the answering service who puts me through to the covering doctor. I don't actually speak to any medical professionals though, just the people doing the relay. This doc says everything should be okay if the dentist prescribes antibiotics afterwards. That's so vague that even the dentist agrees with me about its vagueness.

I do my 30 minutes on the recumbent bike closest to the Stretching Seats (which do absolutely nothing for me). I think that one bike actually pedals easier than the other bikes. Meanwhile, my hubs is flying to Houston for work so we're texting each other. I'm making great mileage today, and my heart rate is up a bit and I have to slow down to bring that back into alignment. Meanwhile, my eye is starting to water and my cheek feels hot and stings from the inside. My dentist appointment isn't until later in the afternoon.

The dental tech takes a quick "digital x-ray" and the dentist tells me right away "that's a bad tooth." Of course, he can't really explain what that means other than it's not going to get better, it's not worth salvaging, and the best thing I can do is to have it removed. Okay... some local and a shot of novocaine, then a bit of pulling. I don't feel any pain, just pressure but the noise is kind of disturbing as the tooth gets pulled out from my jaw. He gives it a quick glance and tells me that the root is surrounded by granular tissue, an indication of  my body trying to repair itself, but not being successful. So, it's not quite an infections but not so different either. He tells me to take some of my leftover antibiotics 3x a day for the next few days. These are antibiotics my previous dentist had prescribed as a prophylactic measure for my mitral valve prolapse, but apparently those protocols have changed. No need to take antibiotics before oral surgery anymore.

My jaw hurts a little, which is to be expected, but the weird tenderness I had when clenching my teeth is now gone. I knew that back tooth was funky, had been weird for some years now, but not until this new dentist told me that it was causing bone loss in my upper jaw did I realize that I shouldn't just let this annoyance go. I'd been hesitant to mention it to my old dentist because his only concern had been to make (and charge me for) a new crown. Those are godawful expensive, especially when you don't have dental insurance. As it is, that wouldn't have fixed the problem anyway. Sometimes change is good.

I might step up my routine a tad on Wednesday... it'll be three weeks then.

Columbus Day Monday
30 min recumbent bike
Calories 123
Miles 3.43
HR 117-107

Soon Is Another 4-Letter Word

The Autumnal Equinox passed a few days earlier and the weather has changed dramatically. Colorful leaves have been falling. Temps dip into the low 50s at night and peak in the high 60s. It rained a bit last night but this morning the skies are a breezy clear blue. The dog has had a weak appetite but still manages to eat a teaspoon of yogurt with probiotic powder mixed in. Saltine crackers don't interest him, nor does the chicken gizzards and rice in his food bowl. Last night, he begged for the left over london broil I'd reheated and sliced up for dinner. He wolfed them down. But he can't control his bowels and after a long meandering walk where he pooped loosely, his tail starts to jerk as he's lying on his dog bed. Oh no! He's pooped himself. It's another weird seizure. Luckily he's lying at the edge his bed and I can wipe up the tile floor and his back legs.

All dog parents know that poop is an indicator of canine health: orange gooey slime indicates bile issues, and oozy blackish lumps? I don't know. I take him out several times a day because he can be fine one moment and desperately have to pee or poop the next. There's no consistency with his illness. Last week he had great normal bowel movements, this week he's had accidents several days in a row. I know his time is coming. It's going to be soon just based on his appetite and the ornery way his body is declining. He still likes his walks, still shows interest in all the different Autumn scents in the wet leaves and tall grass, but the back end of him is withering away...

The Wegreeco 3-pack of washable dog wraps arrived from Amazon yesterday. I ordered them based on the many positive reviews, the fact that they're suppose to be leak proof and have an extra pocket inside in case you need to insert additional absorbent padding. Everyone says to size up because a diaper that's too small is useless. But these diapers, size XL based on my dog's 28" waist (measured right in front of his hind legs), are actually too big. Or more precisely, they are too wide at nearly 9.5" which is a lot more than the distance between my dog's back legs and the deep swoop of his rib cage. They are waterproof, but because they're too wide, they don't stay positioned properly and my dog has wet sides this morning instead of just a wet belly.

A useful tip is that the bigger belly bands really require at least 3 hands to secure properly: two to position both ends of the wrap securely around the dog's waist, and the third to carefully align the harsh velcro edges so that there's no chance of snagging things the dog may inadvertently bump up against. I make my son help me hold the dog still because this is even more difficult when the dog insists on walking away while you're trying to rewrap him with a fresh diaper.

I actually favor the slightly too small So Phresh wraps, which don't come any bigger than the L size. Not only can I affix these wraps by myself, this brand's shape actually fits my dog perfectly: there's a cushiony absorbent pad right below his belly, and it's narrow enough to stay in position. My dog never has wet haunches or sides while wearing these. It's just not 100% leak proof, but works well enough and come 2 to a package. I wash out dog diapers 6 to 8 times a day, or as many times as he goes for a walk since he can't wear a diaper with his butt harness.

The harness needs to be rinsed after each walk as well (because old urine really stinks up the house), but they're never dry by the time the next walk comes around even though I'm alternating between the two. There's the total ick factor of handling a wet harness even though it's been washed. And I'm not sure what I'm going to do once it gets cold enough for frost since I won't be able to hang the harnesses outside to drip dry!

If this seems like hospice care, it's because it is. I know the dog has limited time. He might know it too. Lately, he's been very needy, wedging his head against my legs while I rub his ears and tell him what a good puppy he is. After a few moments, he pops his head up and acts like his normal self, checking the food and water bowls, looking for intruders in the driveway. But, mostly sleeping in front of the storm door. I call my vet to ask if there's anything else that I can do without veterinary assistance. They suggest medications I know the dog won't touch because he still has his sense of smell. They also suggest a hospice vet, Comforting Care Vet Service, who can provide at-home euthanasia when the time comes. An internet search reveals a growing field of hospice veterinary services, because as we all know, just as everyone poops, everyone dies. There are listings for Connecticut, New Jersey and closest to me, Westchester county. Because dying peacefully in one's sleep, although the preferred death, is an actual rarity, I know I'll be calling this vet in the next few days. Death is most often a painful struggle. I've seen it first hand, and there's no reason to put my pup through it.

I'm not feeling horribly motivated to change my barely-working out routine. Call it the Autumn Blahs. Yesterday, I was too tired to go to the gym, and too tired to nap until late in the afternoon. Even though both my eyeballs felt like there were little weights sitting on top of them (sleep deprivation!) and I was dizzy and nauseous, I still had a hard time falling asleep. It's probably because I'm such a light sleeper than little things, like the road crew outside my house taking down tree branches between the power lines, and the garbage truck, and the mail truck, and the dryer sounding every 45 minutes, conspired to keep me awake. Eventually I did fall asleep, and I only know this because I woke up to my son coming home from school. I'm still driving him to school, but the bus home has been on time, more or less. Apparently, I'm not the only parent driving their kid to school every morning due to the messed up school bus schedule.

My glaucoma doc will be happy though. I see her next week when I have to drop another huge amount of money. Yeah, that's what credit cards are for, right?

TGI Friday

30 min recumbent bike
Calories 116
Miles 2.77
HR 111-107