On Grieving

I had planned to go to the gym last Friday, on my birthday, but I had to field so many phone calls for my kid's upcoming medical appointments that I ran out of time and almost missed my opportunity to order the pie I'd been fantasizing about for months: white clam pizza with added clams, spinach and fresh garlic. There is one pizzeria two towns over that makes a really good pie and they had three out of four items. No one seems to offer fresh garlic anymore and I don't know why. It's not like it's exorbitantly expensive, or unpopular. In the end, I ate the first slice in my car, and the next slice I crushed my own fresh garlic cloves to add as a topping. 

My cousin as a child

Saturday, the Ides of March, was promising to be a pleasant day when I got a call from a cousin on my mom's side of the family. We literally never talk, call or otherwise are in any communications, so I knew this was bad news. The only cousin on my mom's side that I'm sort of close to lives in Brooklyn, in her Chinese grandmother's house. And she had passed away last week from a massive heart attack. She lived alone with her cats, never married, had no kids, and was retired from her job at Mt. Sinai hospital. Her Chinese grandmother was her father's mom (and my grandmother's twin sister). Her mom was part Sioux, and her grandmother, Rosebud Yellow Robe was noted in the history books as a daughter of Chief Chauncey Yellow Robe who negotiated a treaty with Grover Cleveland. Rumor has it that Rosebud's second husband Al Frantz worked with Orson Welles and might've had a hand in the infamous last words of Citizen Kane.

Karen

My cousin Karen was a few years older than me but we stayed in touch via social media. She'd been to my wedding, and a summer party when my kid was a wee tot. Her aunt knitted us a baby blanket, much the way my grandmother would've back in her day. We still have it, of course. And while I'm not completely surprised that she had health issues, I had no idea that she would die so suddenly. A massive heart attack from a blocked stent is what I was told by her closest friend who was also her Emergency Contact. Other cousins are traveling from upstate to feed her cats and try to figure out about the house. It's a big mess. 

And I'm so sad. I have all these stories my mom would tell me and my siblings about her best friend, Buddy (Karen's mom) who showed her the wonders of Greenwich Village, collected gingko nuts to make into necklaces, but who also suffered from severe mental illness, in part due to the ECT she was subjected to when her husband (my mom's favorite first cousin) died in a horrible auto crash (there were no air bags back then). She had freaked out and smashed all the glass baby bottles (my cousin was just a few months old). 

Buddy confessed to my mom that after "treatment," she became afraid of everything, lost so many memories. My dad didn't like her, but he was a snob, which meant he really didn't like anyone, especially anyone my mom found interesting. My mom would try to keep in touch but this was before cell phones and the internet. Aunt Buddy became reclusive, and a cat lady. When I lived in Brooklyn, sometimes I would run into her pulling her shopping cart to the Pathmark supermarket miles away to buy cheap cat food, while wearing flip-flops in the dead of winter.

Rosebud Yellow Robe

My cousin Karen had a lot of demons. When her grandmother Rosebud passed away, she became a recluse herself. With the support of family, she eventually recovered in bits and parts. But she's gone now, and I feel such sadness, as if all the stories from my mother's side are all falling into a black hole, sucked into a giant void, never to be seen again. There is no continuation to Karen's story. No light emanating forth, no powerful X-rays escaping. I think this is grief. Or at least, this is my grief. 

I make it to the gym on a rainy, windy St. Patrick's Day but it's for the bare basics, a super abbreviated workout. Cardio, a set of pull-ups, and core exercises done not in the Aerobics Room (because there's a Senior class in there), but at the entrance where the "functional" gym equipment is. I'm not too upset that I only get 2.78 on cardio because I do get 17 at pull-ups and probably could've squeezed out another half or two, but I'm in a hurry. 

And because I've only done one set of pull-ups and only one course of cardio, the push-ups and air squats are surprisingly easy. So easy that I knock out 30 reps of push-ups and could easily have gone on for longer. And then I have to bolt back to shower and change. Cuz I have to take my kid to a doc appointment, but first I have to go home and wake him up! 

No gym tomorrow as we had to rearrange our schedule now have two appointments back to back. Maybe we'll catch a $5 Tuesday movie after that's all done... 

17 March 2025 11:52-1:00

Monday — Very Abbrev Cardio on St. Pats

Precor elliptical #1

Program 2

Time: 30 + 5 (5394)

Distance: 2.78

Cal: 306

Avg Hr: 146, 186-65

New FB: 44-142

HGPU 17

20 Hip Bridges 

Piriformis/Hip/Pencil Stretch

DeadBugs 20 x 5

Piriformis stretches

Child’s Pose

Cat/Cow stretch 12

Child’s Pose

Fire Hydrants 30 x 2

Bird Dog Planks 60s x 2

Push-Ups 30

Arm rotations 20

Air Squats 25

Neck stretch / Eye yoga